My mind won’t sleep. How about my body? Is it the late night wawa keeping me up or the thoughts of unavoidable change upon me? Probably a little of both. I just stared at my phone for 2 hours searching everything from Chris Delia tickets to google optimization for businesses. Who am I to try though? How come I feel like I’m in the select few trying to do what they want to do daily? That’s not supposed to be conceded, but more concerned. Concerned that either I’m gonna walk off a metaphorical cliff at some point where this dreamy little sidewalk ends and/or concerned that people are living such bullshit lifestyles. Why do I get to play music for a living? Technically I’m not even working according to some people because I enjoy what I do. So... because I’ve set upon a path that isn’t as common or lucrative, it’s not work. ’Its fun’. What’s fun? The hours of practice? The hundreds of moving parts? Coordinating the multiple schedules for one project? There’s plenty more, and ya know what? Fuck yeah it’s fun. Ive been given such a great starting point in my life with such a great family and great friends, but all of that is null and void with out hard work. Sone people are getting up at 5am and I’m just up at this hour toiling over the two gigs I have tomorro. Not a bad deal eh? I was thinking to myself on my way home from rehearsal tonight ‘Man... I’m really not that great of a drummer’, and that’s totally true. I listen to recordings of myself and they’re all SOOO CLOSE to being great. Early on and within every batch of songs now even. I’m good, but I’m definitely so far from where I want to be. When I started drumming I sucked so bad, and I tell my students that all the time. If I was half as good as some of them I would be way further along now! On the flip side of that, maybe if I was as good as some of them at their age I wouldn’t have worked so hard for it. I would’ve just coasted and relied on natural ability rather than having to force myself to work at something I wanted.
All of this im writing for myself. A selfish act to work through what’s going on in my mind right now. Things are good, but they can be great. I’m far from where I want to be and I barely even have an idea of what that ‘want’ may entail. But here I am... trying. Success is relative. Happiness is key. Life is faster than you think. I’m remembering that every day.